it has never crossed my mind to ever try dorning the colour. And almost to my own surprise, my expectations of responses are as i expected... bad. Well, I explained and reasoned that like pinks and reds, blue's a colour made to enjoy. Yes, it's not conventional but it's not bad right? Why discount a shade and conclude it otherwise without giving it a chance? Besides it's just nail polish. A little ethanol and it's gone in wipes. What am I saying here? And am i hearing and not listening? The truth's quite the contrary if you ask me. I know what the angst is about. The outward display confirms the inner erosion and contamination.That was what the disapproval was about. The anxiety of a parent, thinking the wildest thoughts of a child that seems to be getting out of reach and helpless cos' words would perhaps make things worse. Nonchalant and flippant behaviourals aren't exactly encouraging sights to behold and certainly make it harder to convince oneself that it's mere fancy and a moment's curiousity. But what if it is? Yet, i have to admit...though all's not lost, i have perhaps sabotaged myself.
the conviction of the sin here... to know what is right( is it wrong?) and not do it( James 4:17), is weak cos' it feels like preference and tradition rather than a right and wrong. Guess i've got spirit delusiveness to repent of amongst other things however right my rationale. A streak of blue, a let out of the rebellion perhaps... it's just pure querkiness if you ask me,But whatever it is,the keeper of the brother's keeper came to mind again today. Be enough for me. the journey's ardous for the choices i make.Need joy to come soon in watever form and to last a good while. Anything lovely to hold the gaze and leave me dizzy ... just long enough for the seizures to slowly but surely lose it's grip will be certainly appreciated. Feels like i can't live like that for long but for now, it'll suffice... .... and David encourage himself in the Lord his God. - 1 Sam 30:6.  | Perhaps. | Apr 30, '10 12:32 AM
for everyone |
Well I certainly hope it's not envy. It's just low if it is. All these good things happening to people around me is making wonder if I'm dull or simply I ungrateful- that I can't figure a good thing when it happens or that just far too discontented and assuming. God, help ya,need mercy more like it. Need to be spared the agony of lonliness and envy. Paranoid to the point that that's all I've diagnosed of myself, though I'm half really not believing that of me but reckom the cluesness and assuming ppl, the most common of folks would think so. And Agreeing may be easier than to dig deeper or to explain. God, u know ya. All the neediness is makings lose the balance, testing the emotions and making me tilt. And though I seriously know the consequences of implicating the peeps around me... It's tempting and inviting. I'm clear headed and still hanging to rationale. Don't want to jeopardize the purity of friendships. I thank thee for cushioning friends into my life, in and through the different seasons, I see your faithfulness and your provision. Help me trust you in these aspects of life. Abandonment means to relinquish the right to question. It gets tricky and extremely angsty. Fondness results from any situation given time, but the inclination and greed to want more kinda builds. Then again, probably chapter 2's a good place to be after all. I don't know if i'm any different from the world's kind of socializing if u ask me. But one thing's for certain, I don't wish to use people, can't shoulder the sin of it especially if it's a known deliberation. Wretched aren't we all? Cos really, half the time:- we fall nonetheless. A couple of things were brewing constantly in my head for days now... probably weeks. 2010. Bam! And before I know it, it'll have been a good 7 years closing 8. somehow I registered in my head as 7 years. Many thoughts.. too many that i needed to pen down even if it means waking up at 235am... i needed to agree in writing with what was constantly stirring within me. I don't quite know how to go about recording this but here goes. A stirring, a longing for something bigger and far greater has sparked off within me. Something extensive and expansive. Something in a magnitude that is God-like. Which simply means that it had to involve God. Time to time, some thoughts were birthed and some thoughts fueled with the right spirit and mentality gives birth to actions and the prophetic. And perhaps those that I am desiring to prophetically see come to past, I will in the best of my ability describe and detail. So that in the same faith and confidence, i will look into this record, Your faithfulness and the bigness of You as God and Lord over my life. i set out this year with desiring one thing: to serve God's people.
Quite a puzzling statement it seems, but the spirit man in me knows exactly why it makes so much sense. I admit the struggles that restrain me( the commitment, the heartaches of relationships that may get strained in the midst of it, the fear of man and the keeping in right standing with the Spirit, the requirements of a life of obedience and the sustaining faith that comesafter plus the increasing expectations.... whoa!) But yes, this I have to resolute at some point, to overcome, to look past and to look above. I agree that to share your dreams and desires to accomplish for the Kingdom, to a certain extend, risks loss. Loss of the ability to quit, to falter, to perserve, to never having to justify why it never happened if you gave up in the midst of it. I've had always had this dream and envisioned, a stadium full of God's people. And i had the opportunity to lead worship with thousands of like-minded, God-seeking people. The wind was blowing and the music loud. We were more than worshipping, we were declaring and smiling to the heavens. There was a clear presence of God, a presence of liberty and triumph. i could hear the voices of the people and the feel the uplifting presence of faith.Of God's people reaching out to Him and to one another in faith. I can't tell why I wasn't flinching in the that vision. The 'regular' me would have been shivering in fear- the ever stupid fear of man. It's always easier to not stay so visible just so that you'll be the last one to get shot down. That's how i always thought. I mean the theory seemed to have proven itself in each season of SURVIVORS programme.But i figured that the extension of time and lifeline is pretty meaningless since it's extension for no particular purpose either. It'll just be long. That's probably how some people came up with the "It 's not the length of life lived, but the fullness of the life lived." Somewhere along the way,I came to terms to choosing to normalise myself.To forget about pushing myself to keep my life with my eyes on You, or allowing my life to be used for "great" purposes cos' it became so apparent to me that those purposes weren't that great. Pride. I chose to think at some point that until the really "great" purposes are reality, that'll be the time I'll rise up. But as often as you and i can think about "entrusting to faithful men", i wouldn't make the selection criteria.
I do see a little differently from how i use to about how it was a privilege to serve.I couldn't most of the time since half the time the privilege fell to me because others were too young, too immature, too green, needed guidance and at some point: the ugly fact was because there wasn't anyone. I struggled and still struggle. I know i need a renewed mind and perspective. Plus a new set of emotional approach to this else it'll constantly become a blockade for me to ever experience the joy that is supposed to be mine. I'm still preparing myself emotionally and mentally about serving His people. I fear the pain of disappointment too much that I haven't started praying. Silly me. I guess that was probably the thing i needed to start with in the first place.so Grant me mercy. The other thing that spoke to me was the 7 lean years and 7 fat years in the story of Joseph in Eygpt. I left Eygpt. At least I thought so. Nonetheless,this came to me while i gymed and allowed my spirit to received what i needed to embrace within me. I cried out within my spirit when the thought came to me. I had enough. enough is enough. 7 lean years, my spirit man has gone way undernourished from the lack of tons of giving, serving with passion and torturous complaining. All of it, that was me.the battle had to cease so the 7 fat years of abundance and enlargement can happen. i needed to want it- to have the ceasing and the beginning. And the beginning will start with my resolve and resolution to serve His people. Then the vision of the stadium scenario with have greater opp. to happen and perhaps too the chance to write a national day song for this nation with prophetic lyrics and declarations. Your favour I seek. In the midst of these thoughts abrewing,some contact with certain people had triggered the desire again for the like-minded companionship. The lack of this sometimes drains the emotional strength and comfort that comes from giving to the relationships about me. pushing me back into the spotlight, casting my eyes on me and making it all hard to see. Faithlessness. Stay in faith!!I would often text some of my pals and kids. It's often much easier to text the 'right' stuff than to believe it. But what does it profit me to keep staying at the place of broken cisterns? Do I not know? i do but I guess i have a only faint recollection of the moments of reckoning I had with You. Never to depend on such exceptional moments. the monuments of faith dies with time and so does the faith that is built based on it. Stay in faith! i keep constantly reminding myself,regardless what i see and observed or find out in facebook!! ( oh i hate facebook sometimes!!)He is a God of divine purposes, divine connections and divine engineering. Leave God to do what He does best. And God's people will find God's people. God's purposes and plans, pursued in passion will never lack God's provision. Amen! ...great leaders are not forged in hard times rather they are discovered in them. For true greatness is not the act of one decision but is the result of the secert life of someone who has yielded their soul to the Almighty in the hidden years of obscurity only to find themselves one day as the main act on the world stage of crisis. I woke and ended Sunday to an anxiety. An anxiety to recall the blogsite i've abandoned moons ago. This site that i'm now recording this entry.Funny thing is, when i finally recalled what the domain was called, i'm greeted with another surprise. that my last entry was the very same day last year. I don't think that the eagerness was by any chance but You trying to tell me something. i haven't entered or written anything for ages. I'm losing the ability to express myself this way it seems, whether it's due to the lack of the "practice" or the patience to hear myself... i'm really not keen to find out. Even now, it really doesn't seem to me that i'm making any sense of this madness. Sat, i stood there in that circle at youth prayer, impressed by something by H.S. Well, at least i'll like to think so. It couldn't stay with me, the thought and all. I guess the truth was too painful that the very natural man inside of me resisted it. it was war! I needed it. At least i felt my spiritual man needed it. the humbling, the emotional draw was in that one truth. my mind : controlled by my sinful state blotted it out of my consciousness. i drew the last bit of what was greying to a total whiteout, and uttered. Too many things are trading for attention for You Lord. the battle's on... and ever so subtle. I've been a fool before but it seems that i don;t have the strength to fight it. So, ignoring seems to be the best way about it. Focusing on everything else except wat matters. Excellent. Well said and done, again. Will leaving all this help? Leaving to somewhere to start afresh?could i do missions in this state? Can i help me in the midst of helping others? i'm quite fed-up at the tediousness of work.absolutely frustrated with how others are not being clear with what they want me to do and bid me off to blindly busy myself with trash.Argghhh. Told some really ugly truth to joy today. wasn't trying to burst her bubble. I sense her longing. I didn't feel a tinge of anything, i hope i'm wrong. she deserves better. i don't want to be proven right. i want to believe your goodness will follow me. so amongst the terrible things i screamed out nonverbally, that ran through my mind... i repent Lord. again, help my unbelief. i'm seeing it more and more. that i'have a problem. a problem to taking your word as it is. i don't really believe what you say about me or anything of that sort. I'm hypocritcal. i have to. i'm expected to at least, to say the right things to encourage the down and out and the outright skceptical. I'm wondering of anyone has seen through those colours i've hid behind all these while. While i'm saying these, i yet convinced that i've haven;t been all fake and all unreal... it's just this period, that i've just very consciously observing myself as if a third party is watching. ...my mind's a blank.interrupted by a message. Early this year: I received into my life the word you gave through your servant. "Upon the threshing floor, where the wind will blow,separating the chaff from the grain. That in Your due time, make all things beautiful." Sometimes, I don't deny the days that I just plainly struggle. I've gave in to whatever I concluded as not overboard to ease the tension and tried in my own affordable means to add to my joy. But I do know that only You can add joy to joy and truly satisfy. And yet, the giving up that is so needed is constantly excruciating. I needed your reassurance.Didn't get answers absolute as I would love them but boy,I'm glad that at least I got the touch of your presence that I sought. That makes all the difference! I've got my own questions that resolving them with solid factual answers wouldn't suffice. EVerything in its time, in yours is excruciating in itself. And I'm not alone, cos' your children called into obedience are living each moment as such, I'm living in a span of your mercy, or if you'll like to call it-selective obedience(is defiance) and still sustained. do i not know that Your finger's over my life?Don't I know that whatever lies ahead won't baffle you and you're in control and I needn't fear? Can i be brutally honest, that I am nonetheless?
Do the best I know how only to know that it really is not much of help? When I received your word into my life today, being deborah, speaking into the lives of your people ( aligning with the message i shared with young people yesterday), speaking leaders, that what I was asking You about , you'll bring it to pass...soon enough... the hunger will be fed. the seeking will find, the blind will see and the heart will be met where it is. I received it into my being, amen! I'm not lacking very much in my life right now but yet i feeling the least satisfied with it....its all so real yet so unreal.... guess I can't work out whatever's happening and whatever's not and what they mean for now, but I don't think finding out so that I can start doing the right things and not keep everything on standstill is the right thing to do... But I guess when you're so expecting for things to fall into place so rightly and when they don't, it just slams into my face that I'm not in control and the wishfulness is acting up again.I don't deny the venom of faithlessness... it has stung me again... maybe I was never purged.... don't want to act as someone that I'm not. Wondering how much of me that's presented to everyone out there is me and how much isn't .... somehow,I don't feel the least despised cos I guess everyone out there suffers from a degree of such. well,after all the waiting and nothing happens, my microsoft office applications has to expire its lease of usage somehow and leave me helpless some more... as if I haven't had enough of unswells for now.
Writing has always been an outlet to express, so I guess primitive pen and paper has to option in since the WORD application would let me leave a single letter on the fresh document.SIGH. I decided to copy every chapter of Max Lucado's Numbers of hope,3:16.But for what?
Then it hit me, do each chapter as a newsletter and sent it out over the weeks till christmas to the friends I cared about...that needed the read...Wonderful thought. I began,chapter 1 was alright, chapter 2 is beginning to throw questions of self-doubt.
Would they read this?Is your handwriting legible?Why don't you just photocopy or give them each 1 book. It so much less tedious... though the thought of giving up is so alluring, I'm praying that I'll be a finisher of the things I've started. I'll do the things I know how, creatively because it's You birthed this.... The decision on Hanoi, kind of troubles me...but if You'll have me go,I do hope I glimpse the answers I'm looking for... the weak, the fallible emotions have stiked again. Reminded myself that my goal this year is to be nicer to myself, not so harsh and learn to give... Feeling the utter foolishness of my fears and observing the 'great' life that some others are having regardless of what ever has and hasn't happen... i wished for a life simpler, more innocent and less strife... more contentment, less wants and more wisdom. To love simply. Is hard. To love without expecting, Is also hard. How did You do it?Can following you ever be possible?what does it mean to inherit the kingdom?To seek your heart and face really. What does it mean to delight in You? The ever clamouring " so that He will give you the desires of your heart'' is always a motivation in question is it not? Why is my heart feared? Why do i fear it? Only you know , don't you?Is honesty so hard?Is being real so hard?I guess so...If i didn't fear it, i could started being as real as i can... but I guess i get the pre-confirmation that I'll be reciprocated with realness... it be a slamming my head against the wall, won't it? it'll be coming to 2yrs soon enough... I'll need to snap out of it soon else it'll be doing injustice to myself... there's more loving that can be done around here...stop throwing pearls before swines... reading the “WAKING THE DEAD” book has helped me unlock a huge and major misconception about my heart of which I’ve held onto unconsciously my entire Christian life
“According to the scripture… our hearts is also where we do our deepest thinking….and the GREAT MODERN MISTAKE that the mind equals reason and heart is emotion is popular nonsense. Solomon was remembered as the wisest ever lived not because of the size of his brain but for asking for a discerning heart. The heart is central….then we have the LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART-Deut 6:4….then MAN LOOKS AT THE OUTWARD, BUT GOD LOOKS AT THE HEART-1 Sam 16:7… WHERE YOUR TREASURE IS, THERE YOUR HEART BE ALSO-Luke 12:34….TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART-Prov 3:5….. YOUR WORDS I’VE TREASURED IN MY HEART SO THAT I WILL NOT SIN AGAINST YOU-Ps119:11... on and on it goes…..what’s the real point of our existence? We’re created to love, to live in love and for the sake of it… and is it even possible to love without your heart? The heart is the connecting point between 2 people. The kind of deep soul intimacy we crave with God and others can only be experienced only from the heart…. We dun want to be someone’s project, we want to be the desire of their heart. It is simply diabolical, despicable, downright evil that the heart should be so misunderstood, maligned, feared and dismissed.
That’s the last thing the enemy wants us to know …. his plan from the beginning, to assault the heart. ‘Make them so busy, they’ll ignore the heart, wound them so deeply, they don’t want the heart. Twist their theology, so they despise the heart. Take away their courage and destroy their creativity. Make intimacy with God impossible for them’
Of course your heart would be the object of a great and fierce battle. It is your most precious possession. Without your heart you cannot have God. Without your heart you cannot have love or life or faith or the work you were meant to do for that matter …..” Seeing granddad in the hospital and the struggle he puts up with the insertion of the feeding tube is HELL enough for me...he's utterly reduced to the present state of skin and bones and that's awfully painful to see... I'm honestly afraid that he loses his mind before I can notion it to receive Jesus as Lord and Saviour. Please Lord,have mercy.I'm not so as afraid of being hurt or being screamed at than losing grandDad to the painful relality of aging and its humbling process... i'm praying that You comfort him, cos' its very humbling, very( and it's not just the physical that needs to be comforted but the soul and spirit as well)... everyone seems to trat him like a kid, talking to him like he was little Abel, I'm so sure that it frustrates him and irritates him, making him slip into the tantrum and the fit of retailiating rage...I don't quite know why I'm perceiving it this way... but I am... maybe I'm oversensitive... maybe I'm just -nice sensitive... I know he felt soothed with the head massage I gave him...I'm not there to force Christianity down his throat...but I'm secretly hoping that he responses before he cannot anymore... or so it may be... I'm taking claim on Your promises....heal him I pray, strenghten his frame and his entire being......
The reason we see hypocrisy , deceit and a lack of genuineness in others is that they are all in our own hearts....
have mercy, and mercy too shall be shown .
Andrea Work's overwhelming...but I've got happy thoughts and memories to bank. I have to admit that I'm really thankful that I went for the scuba trip at Tioman. I mean, I was more than apprehensive, I was scared, chicken, a scaddy cat...watever.... I mean, I totally wasn't going to try to beat the boys or try prove myself that I was an equal in anyway. My nerves were giving way and it was written all over my face, my fears and lack of confidence and faith. I mean, I really was praying as hard as I could, not to be merely braver or less frightened of the unknown but more for not shaming the God that I serve and the person that I was. It was downright disgraceful, all I displayed was a lack of faith, full of fear and was just a whiny little girl. Oh man, I was so NOT in-control....!!!! BUT that's when GOD steps in through the friendly smiles, the warm nudges, Lingling's calm, consolidated, composed self... I was out. My hearts was in my stomach and my brain was in my mouth... overwhelmed with thoughts of drowning and not being able to catch my breath.... HAHA, so funny and utterly hilarious as I recall the me then.
The boys were lovely. They were nice enough not to laugh, encouraging and helpful. Pretty great friends to have... even though they were that "young" ... maybe they had to give Ms Toh some face and treat her friend well.. but I truly believed that my trip wasn't going to be anything better if the boys didn't come along. They were LIVE entertainment. Didn't have much time to think about anything else when these boys were around, they were constantly making me laugh, or at least I'm constantly laughing at them... being them...(haha, I'm being mean). But really, they're a cool bunch, just that everyone seems to have a undying love affair with RAMY's ... can't phantom... but I guess its a guys' thing....
Then there were the teachers. Nice people too... most at least were trying to make me feel like one of them, didn't rule me out or anything.... some weird ones too... but then again, they're probably just different... you know..Denis(reminds me of Adrian, just better) was a real entertainer... very welcoming and so was Maria. Mr Suresh - the MR nice guy, just the gentleman kind of guy.ShiaoPei, she's reminds me Suzanne. Sweet and sometimes, kinda of helpless... gets teased half the time. Cheng, she's the Jennifer Koh look-alike... no look alike in the look alike sense, but her mannerisms and the way she carries herself... the steady, clear-headed and "don't mess with me" is attractive. I like her..as a friend,at least that was what I found.. a friend. Then there was Ganesh - he's alright, just a little extreme... absorbed in his world..otherwise he's ok...and Melvin and Nicholas and a chinese teacher..Didn't talk to them as much as I did to the rest. Mel's got the Daniel's kind of eyes, sheepish and shy but that's ok..Nicholas... I can't remember if I even introduced myself... and the Chinese teacher... i told Ling that she's got pretty good skin for her age and a nicest floppy hat for the trip.
How could I forget about the fabulous instructor.Ling and I were probably the silliest students Alex ever had. Always saying, "It's normal." , that's just so painfully funny to hear.Remembered the pool session we had, where we practiced the weight ditching execise and retrieving it from the 2.4m depth, we just struggled. He had to dunk me and push me down,cos' I just simply wouldn't sink...haha...too much fats.. fats lighter than water..haiz...and remembering my dropping the weights on him b'cos I held the weight belt on the wrong end and the weights came off... oooohhhh, that must have still hurt, even though the water did help to cushion the impact. Then there was the exercises did at the coastal areas of Tioman... didn't really appear that the depth we were practicing at was 10m. Just felt as deep as the 2.4m pool... the underwater creatures were beautifully distracting, laying off the fears and gitters...so even when we went down to that depth to do our emergency ascent ( where I insisted of not doing the exercise, cos it required Alex to turn off the air tank, the thought of not being able to breathe was not really my kind of fun). But as usual, I couldn't say no...He merely came over, turned off my tank and I just had to do it... the way i remember how... and whew... I'm survived...haha...couldn't have died lah...
Overall, scuba's fun and more fun.... rigging up's tiring but scuba's fun. Just thinking of the times I had, the people that were around, the silliness... i'm just tickled,utterly tickled and full of smiles, its like a jab of thrill and excitement... whoa! I can't seem to get it out of my mind..I'm going let it keep me happy for as long a it can...and ya, thank God, i'm back home alive and safe... in 1 piece.
very Satisfied.
Andrea
So what if you know everything? Or your so-called knowing everything?It doesn't stop me to hurling the arrows despite knowing it would cause pain.So what if you know on-going loading on a person without encouragment is going to lead to a breakdown, non functional, unproductive worker?We all know we're not a 100% "WYSIWYG", we know everyone knows that yet the expectations are still there...I've guessed as much - we still accept the person based on what we see, can I take the "truth behind the person" in the lives that are participating in mine,can I then take the truth behind mine and accept the possible reactions and responses?
I told You on my decision to stay put if there was going to be a "change".I thought to make it simple so I won't have to decipher so much - and yap, the answer came. I regretted on asking it to a specific cos' its still so pathetic($$)...but I can't complain cos' that's all I asked...Not that asking again is impossible or as if the wishes has run out on me but rather,I choose to quit letting things such as these matter so much...
But You know that I thrive better in challenging circumstances. Not that its presently not challenging enough, but such challenges are a waste of my energy (at least that's what I feel).i'm tending to feel that challenges posed can still be chosen, of cos' there are times,the otherwise happens.I very much want to be in a bigger plan, achieving and finding out where my potential lies and what its limits are.Can't stay in the same mode of "hanta kaki "for too long, I need to move on and "keep walking -Johnnnie walker" for the sake of me, so that I can account at least to myself. But quite honestly, I'm quite afraid of praying in this direction cos' I may then not be able to live up to it... don't want to under-deliver and disappoint You.But then, I'm reminded that You do know better. So nothings' going to overtake me and leave me stranded unless You're part of it - for the good of me. * Assured*
So let nothing come to steer me away from You. Nope. Only nearer not further.I truly believe that You're the giver of good gifts, yet You give and take away ( let me be able to say' it's well with my soul)when the focus is on the gifts more than the giver, the gift is a deterrence, a distraction. So whatever it is,I need to take guard on my humane tendency to hoard,to cling and not let go.
LOVE
Andrea.
From heaven's perspective - grace is sufficient. Even when God doesn't do wat you'll like Him to, the question still stands. "Am I then not Good?", " Am I then less faithful?".Guess its the heart's condition that has got to grasp this.
"while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.."
You loved before love could return. You loved despite no returns... and that's the same I'll like it to be said of me. Nope. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but as promised - the grace's not going to run out on me.Its like a reflex to expect return, so "reflexed" that I feel bound in this flesh and blood.So limited and contained, un-liberated and anesthetized.I need to be able to help it and move on... lift the centering around things that can't be changed and fix the wandering 'eyes' on You.
Whatever appeals to my commonsense as it is - is common. I don't need to help trying to make what You say appeal to mine. Water all these down and try to comprehend it with my finite mind - how foolish!
Make it worthwhile:Make your leap in the dark!
Reach me, Lord. Do i allow my emotions to all go whereever they please ...i'm affected. I know i need to be strong, for me and for friends that are in need of the strength... i can't go down...i guess it the 'night' that overloads the emotions and drowns the rationale.... i want to cry.. but i can't work out nothing... but the longings' real... hate admiting this. But I'm i hiding anything? should i confide? is there need for this so called confiding...? can i really take what answers YOU'll supply, cos' YOU know better than I?....AHHAHHAHHHHHHH! God,
I never want to be reduced to doubting anything that You say. But my natural man argues that it can't be this way.My logic and 'mind over matter' disapproves of the action that followed 'faith'. I seem to need to provide myself a logical enough answer for my actions so that should some day I get questioned, I can provide a rational reply.
Love is spontaneous.Never manipulative or scheming in any way. I'm resisting the spontaneity and trying my very best to tame the wilfulness of my heart.Action may not follow suit but as long as the heart generates enough of such self -motivated desires, the actions will follow. i do not ever want to think I can do better on my own without You. I'm telling myself that since its You on which the basis of the matter is build upon, needn't fear... help me Lord to discerningly tell apart the messages sent by the devil, those self created by my own flesh and those of which are from You. My vision's hazy,unclear and in desperate state that i need to hold on to You lest i fall by my own doing...
It somehow seems that there isn't like-mindedness at all.I'm losing my interest and the whole experience still irks me till this day as I recall the conversation and all the moments of silences. It still sends chills down my pine and honestly cannot reason why you signaled my action. It makes no sense... don't want to argue but honestly, its like the nation of Israel coming to the RED SEA.... no road ahead, can't carry on.I don't need happy endings, i want what pleases You, what delights You. I don't want to wilfully have my way and then go through all the frustrations of having need to get out of it. It had happened before so I'm careful.Help me tell the difference, when to let faith take lead and when to let the ability to decide take over.
As for now, i having difficulty getting me to fully trust that You want the best for me( deceived and stuck), and You are not reserving for another favoured one.... I AM the favoured and You do love me. I can be as secure as I allow myself to..
Love,
Andrea
I asked.You answered.I'm shocked that You bothered. Not that's its surprising but didn't think You would. I cna't clearly remember for sure what I asked but I believe I notioned You something about, "If You word delivered on that Monday Ignite Service would focus on Caleb. I'll tell him what I thought. I believed I mentioned that it had to be fully about Caleb, not merely a mention of Caleb. Now that it has happened, I'm wondering if I have somehow ingeniously guessed it and trapped You into giving in to me, or if I merely heard what I wanted to and the word was probably more on Hebron than Caleb.
Than again, Hebron's about daring to ask You and You give it. It notioning that it really very much "UP TO YOU" and I'm back to asking..do I have a clue about what I'm asking about? Any idea of the consequences and is it silly?And so what if I ask for what it is, what then?Dp I take this as a confirmation to merely what I intented to? I don;t think I can interprete it as a YES cos' I'm struggling to receive this as a YES. I'm not ready for a YES.I'm merely ready for a "I will do it" as I've requested direction to do so.
I can't quite believe that I told E****. But I need to get over fast and quick, having someone to account for my emotions is the best way out. I can only do this. A part of me questions the conflict of my longing and my resolution to get over it. And a part of me doesn't want to get to the bottom of this, too tiring and tediuos.I want to let things be and get past it, but what then do I do with what I'e received as a confirmation and an instruction to "go ahead" ?
I release me to you. Give me courage.
Andrea I'm fearful to look at this in the face. Fearful to give it too much thought. Ministry. Or shall we simplify and see it as it is.. not really ministry... its programmes, activities and everything that really shouldn't be - it is.Sad.
You must be really disappointed.
I'm motivated by the approval of man. Motivated by the gratitude of people.Always thought my devotion was to the cause of humanity, noble and genuine. But this in itself is dead works no matter how noble.The underlying intention rules.I'm not about to ruin myself and start speculating and rationalizing on my intentions and how real my intentions, dissecting and tri-secting the previous intentions. I want to believe those motivations birth out of a heart challenged and in love with her Lord. But somehow, I've stopped loving.Need to feel Your love again so I can love Your people. I'm way too harsh... there really isn't love in those.. just a lot of self-centredness and obvious dissapointment. I'm tired. It's barely the 2nd month of the year...and I'm feeling all these... God....God...God... ... ... ... ...
I know for sure that the me that is motivated by the love i have for you should beat/ override the ingratitude, overcome these petty things.... but apparently... I'm not there...can't pour out the last drop for your people. Came back from work today wanting only to come before you in prayer. Forgive me, Lord.
I can't seem to be able to speak the truth in love without involving my own convictions. But they're mine, not theirs. I really shouldn't be imposing the same on them..I won't like it wither if someone does the same.... why am i like that?My parents don't... where on earth did I learn this from?
I commit me again.
Andrea
| SIN | Jan 31, '06 12:24 PM
for everyone |
"the awareness of sin is shallow when it only provokes an irritated oligation to do better. A cry for mercy and a longing to be righteous indicates that we've been bugged by the right conviction."
revive me, Lord.
Andrea
There's no shortcuts to any place worth going!
So for goodness' sake, quit scrambling around trying to find some alternative!( speaking to myself, here). The earlier you come to terms with paying the price for what you so very much want, the better! | |
